10188 Days !!!

I have lived for 10188 days, I have been a mom  for 1917 days, sober for 1516, and a wife for 360.

 I wonder how many of those days I spent worried about tomorrow? Or how many days I spent worrying about yesterday? Out of the 10188 days my soul has been on this Earth I am willing to bet that more than half of those days I spent living completely outside myself. Worried about what everyone else was doing, worrying about how everyone else was doing.  As I sit here, holding my baby boy I am making a promise to myself that I am going to try my hardest to live for today and live in the now. I want to learn how to stay in "my business." All I can do is take care of my stuff. Whether that be good stuff or hard stuff, I need to make sure I take care of it. Those numbers don't mean anything if I am not paying attention to toDAY. TODAY is all we have and TODAY is what makes up all those other days. TODAY is when we get healthy, TODAY is when we put ourselves first! All those days mean nothing if we are not living in TODAY. 

I don't want to spend any more of my days worrying about the things that I cannot change. I want to live TODAY making choices that make me happy, empowered, and feel at peace. Ask yourself how have you been spending your days here on Earth. If you could would you relive those days the exact same way you did the first time? If the answer is no, then how about living today the way you would have lived yesterday !

Have a Beautiful Tuesday !!!!! I am going to spend TODAY CELEBRATING being ALIVE, HEALTHY, BLESSED, AND LOVED!!!!!!!!!!

10188 days since I was born

1917 days since Lily was born

1516 sober days

133 days since Garner was born

360 days since I married the love of my life

Publish….No Turning Back !

One month ago I made a commitment to myself and my family that I was going to make changes in my life to be healthier. After being pregnant and giving birth my body was struggling. Even though I kept telling myself to be patient with myself I was still feeling very unhappy with the way I looked and felt. I was constantly participating in negative self talk and damaging behavior. I was tired and unmotivated to change the behaviors I had grown accustomed to for the past year. Behaviors such as : eating a sugar cookie for breakfast, not eating at all until late afternoon, eating too much, eating processed foods, drinking soda, not moving my body, not drinking enough water, constant negative self talk and damaging thoughts. There were many reasons I knew I needed a lifestyle adjustment but the biggest reason was that I was unhappy with the way I felt about myself. Not just because I have fat on my stomach, not only because I have stretch marks and cellulite but because I couldn't physically do things that I wanted to. Even simple things like getting Garn in and out of the car seemed daunting at times. Ya I'm not even referring to things like running marathons I am talking about running one mile.

I began a very painful and downward spiral in my head and the more I fed the fuel the more personally destructive I became. I am truly blessed because the people I surround myself are always working on their health and wellness. I was inspired by my sister Kristi who had started a 28 day challenge that was completely changing not only her body but her emotional relationship with food. I saw the change in her and I wanted that for myself. I enrolled in the next challenge and the changes I see in my body and feel are mind blowing. I Am feeling so much better and stronger everyday. I no longer crave sugar like I used to (still do but not nearly as bad) and I actually have energy to play with my kids, clean the house, workout and cook dinner, all in the SAME day!

I have decided to love my body today for all the amazing things it has done for me over the passed 27 years. I am committed to treating it with kindness and love. I love my new relationship with myself and I am so excited for the amazing things my body is going to do for me next !

Fear

My whole world lies here beside me and Even though this is such a beautiful moment I lay in fear. I fear losing one of them, I fear them losing me. Fear cripples me and makes it impossible for me to be present in the moment. I feel paralyzed with the racing thoughts  about what could happen to the people I love. I constantly hurt for the people who have lossed loved ones. I obsess about what could happen and I constantly imagine the most horrific things happening to my family . Now, I am fully aware of what is happening but I still can't stop the thoughts from entering my brain and taking over my rational self. 

The only thing I can do is.....feel it, take a deep breath, and let it go with my exhale. I have to let it go so I am able to be a great mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, advocate, and granddaughter. I have to let it go to teach my children that living in fear isn't living. How do I do this when I am constantly letting fear control my thoughts. I struggled really  bad with depression after Lily was born and I really didn't think it would happen again. 

Depression is a tricky thing though. I believe there is a misconception and stigma  about what "depression" looks like. People fail to realize my depression may not look anything like anyone else's. My depression may come in many different forms. I am blessed because I have been through many things and I have come to a place in my life where I feel comfortable talking about this very openly and honestly. People also don't understand that someone can be happy and also be depressed at the same time. I don't care about the wording or what people say I am going through. I care about being open, honest, and reaching out to those in my life that I know will help me get through it. 

I know it's not technically normal how much I worry about Garner when he is napping or sleeping. I am just trying my very best to get through this fear and anxiety in a healthy way. I have been exercising daily and eating very healthy. It's been three weeks and I already feel so much better. I love preparing food that I know is making me and my family stronger and healthier.  So, even though I have my struggles I go to bed (well try to) and wake up every morning and I do count my blessings. I am one of the most blessed humans on this planet. I wake up and I say thanks to my husband for providing me with a beautiful home and working so hard for our family and for being my best friend and true companion. I say thanks for my children and the love they give me each and every day. I send love to those in my life that may be going through a hard time. I wake up and I awknowledge the blessings in my life and although sometimes I am paralyzed with fear I spend most of my days thinking about how amazing my life truly is. 

Not sure where I was going with any of this, but I can't sleep and I had the urge to open up and share a little about this inner struggle I am dealing with right now. Reaching out and allowing others to support me has been my lifeline for four years and even though I am in a such a beautiful place in my life I know that my support is always here. So thank you to everyone who loves me unconditionally and is always here for me. I love you all from the bottom of my Heart.