My whole world lies here beside me and Even though this is such a beautiful moment I lay in fear. I fear losing one of them, I fear them losing me. Fear cripples me and makes it impossible for me to be present in the moment. I feel paralyzed with the racing thoughts about what could happen to the people I love. I constantly hurt for the people who have lossed loved ones. I obsess about what could happen and I constantly imagine the most horrific things happening to my family . Now, I am fully aware of what is happening but I still can't stop the thoughts from entering my brain and taking over my rational self.
The only thing I can do is.....feel it, take a deep breath, and let it go with my exhale. I have to let it go so I am able to be a great mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, advocate, and granddaughter. I have to let it go to teach my children that living in fear isn't living. How do I do this when I am constantly letting fear control my thoughts. I struggled really bad with depression after Lily was born and I really didn't think it would happen again.
Depression is a tricky thing though. I believe there is a misconception and stigma about what "depression" looks like. People fail to realize my depression may not look anything like anyone else's. My depression may come in many different forms. I am blessed because I have been through many things and I have come to a place in my life where I feel comfortable talking about this very openly and honestly. People also don't understand that someone can be happy and also be depressed at the same time. I don't care about the wording or what people say I am going through. I care about being open, honest, and reaching out to those in my life that I know will help me get through it.
I know it's not technically normal how much I worry about Garner when he is napping or sleeping. I am just trying my very best to get through this fear and anxiety in a healthy way. I have been exercising daily and eating very healthy. It's been three weeks and I already feel so much better. I love preparing food that I know is making me and my family stronger and healthier. So, even though I have my struggles I go to bed (well try to) and wake up every morning and I do count my blessings. I am one of the most blessed humans on this planet. I wake up and I say thanks to my husband for providing me with a beautiful home and working so hard for our family and for being my best friend and true companion. I say thanks for my children and the love they give me each and every day. I send love to those in my life that may be going through a hard time. I wake up and I awknowledge the blessings in my life and although sometimes I am paralyzed with fear I spend most of my days thinking about how amazing my life truly is.
Not sure where I was going with any of this, but I can't sleep and I had the urge to open up and share a little about this inner struggle I am dealing with right now. Reaching out and allowing others to support me has been my lifeline for four years and even though I am in a such a beautiful place in my life I know that my support is always here. So thank you to everyone who loves me unconditionally and is always here for me. I love you all from the bottom of my Heart.