Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Starting Over

Have you ever had to start over ? There are so many feelings involved with starting over. Feeling Sad, disappointed, angry, scared, and did I mention ashamed? To work so hard and then let it all go is a hard pill to swallow.  One year later and I'm struggling. I can't seem to do what it takes to make the decisions that help me feel better and be stronger. I keep trying and failing over and over. Why can't I press the reset button, why can't I find the determination I had one year ago? 

I don't know the answers to these questions. I could say life is hectic, school is demanding, kids are amazing but hard sometimes. It doesn't take much to let your self care slowly slip away. Replacing working out for studying, and reaching for a sugar cookie instead of a delicious dub smoothie. 

Okay. Here I am admitting that life is hard. When I start to put others needs before my own I slowly loose the things that are important to me. I am experiencing how hard it is to start over. I can tell you one thing I know for sure starting over is hard and food is my new drug. I want to celebrate with food and cope with stress with sugar. Lots and lots of sugar (damn you Fizz and your mouth watering sugar cookies) 

Well life happened and is happening and I want to feel good again. I want to feel strong and Crave healthy food and movement. The doubts I have had about drinking in the past five years seem irrelevant now because I don't ever want to feel what that would be like to start over. Life is stressful and hectic without throwing anything else into the mix. 

 I never could have imagined It would be so damn hard to start over. I am where I am today because all of the little choices I have made every day. I want and need to be selfish for a minute. I want to feel better again. 

There is my rant, and my commitment to truly think about all the little decisions I make and truly ask myself if it's going to help me be stronger and healthier. I am so excited for the dub convention this weekend up at Snowbird. I can't wait to be surrounded by all the amazing people who supported me and loved me so much. I need them and I can't wait to reconnect with every single one of them. 

I am so blessed and I am so grateful I have the opportunity to change things in my life so I can be the best me. We all have our own battles and struggles.  We all have the strength within ourselves to do what makes us happy and true to who we are and who we want to be. Sometimes we just have to forgive ourselves and realize it's okay.