Monday, December 8, 2014
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
I have lived for 10188 days, I have been a mom for 1917 days, sober for 1516, and a wife for 360.
I wonder how many of those days I spent worried about tomorrow? Or how many days I spent worrying about yesterday? Out of the 10188 days my soul has been on this Earth I am willing to bet that more than half of those days I spent living completely outside myself. Worried about what everyone else was doing, worrying about how everyone else was doing. As I sit here, holding my baby boy I am making a promise to myself that I am going to try my hardest to live for today and live in the now. I want to learn how to stay in "my business." All I can do is take care of my stuff. Whether that be good stuff or hard stuff, I need to make sure I take care of it. Those numbers don't mean anything if I am not paying attention to toDAY. TODAY is all we have and TODAY is what makes up all those other days. TODAY is when we get healthy, TODAY is when we put ourselves first! All those days mean nothing if we are not living in TODAY.
I don't want to spend any more of my days worrying about the things that I cannot change. I want to live TODAY making choices that make me happy, empowered, and feel at peace. Ask yourself how have you been spending your days here on Earth. If you could would you relive those days the exact same way you did the first time? If the answer is no, then how about living today the way you would have lived yesterday !
Have a Beautiful Tuesday !!!!! I am going to spend TODAY CELEBRATING being ALIVE, HEALTHY, BLESSED, AND LOVED!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, July 17, 2014
I began a very painful and downward spiral in my head and the more I fed the fuel the more personally destructive I became. I am truly blessed because the people I surround myself are always working on their health and wellness. I was inspired by my sister Kristi who had started a 28 day challenge that was completely changing not only her body but her emotional relationship with food. I saw the change in her and I wanted that for myself. I enrolled in the next challenge and the changes I see in my body and feel are mind blowing. I Am feeling so much better and stronger everyday. I no longer crave sugar like I used to (still do but not nearly as bad) and I actually have energy to play with my kids, clean the house, workout and cook dinner, all in the SAME day!
I have decided to love my body today for all the amazing things it has done for me over the passed 27 years. I am committed to treating it with kindness and love. I love my new relationship with myself and I am so excited for the amazing things my body is going to do for me next !
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
My whole world lies here beside me and Even though this is such a beautiful moment I lay in fear. I fear losing one of them, I fear them losing me. Fear cripples me and makes it impossible for me to be present in the moment. I feel paralyzed with the racing thoughts about what could happen to the people I love. I constantly hurt for the people who have lossed loved ones. I obsess about what could happen and I constantly imagine the most horrific things happening to my family . Now, I am fully aware of what is happening but I still can't stop the thoughts from entering my brain and taking over my rational self.
The only thing I can do is.....feel it, take a deep breath, and let it go with my exhale. I have to let it go so I am able to be a great mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, advocate, and granddaughter. I have to let it go to teach my children that living in fear isn't living. How do I do this when I am constantly letting fear control my thoughts. I struggled really bad with depression after Lily was born and I really didn't think it would happen again.
Depression is a tricky thing though. I believe there is a misconception and stigma about what "depression" looks like. People fail to realize my depression may not look anything like anyone else's. My depression may come in many different forms. I am blessed because I have been through many things and I have come to a place in my life where I feel comfortable talking about this very openly and honestly. People also don't understand that someone can be happy and also be depressed at the same time. I don't care about the wording or what people say I am going through. I care about being open, honest, and reaching out to those in my life that I know will help me get through it.
I know it's not technically normal how much I worry about Garner when he is napping or sleeping. I am just trying my very best to get through this fear and anxiety in a healthy way. I have been exercising daily and eating very healthy. It's been three weeks and I already feel so much better. I love preparing food that I know is making me and my family stronger and healthier. So, even though I have my struggles I go to bed (well try to) and wake up every morning and I do count my blessings. I am one of the most blessed humans on this planet. I wake up and I say thanks to my husband for providing me with a beautiful home and working so hard for our family and for being my best friend and true companion. I say thanks for my children and the love they give me each and every day. I send love to those in my life that may be going through a hard time. I wake up and I awknowledge the blessings in my life and although sometimes I am paralyzed with fear I spend most of my days thinking about how amazing my life truly is.
Not sure where I was going with any of this, but I can't sleep and I had the urge to open up and share a little about this inner struggle I am dealing with right now. Reaching out and allowing others to support me has been my lifeline for four years and even though I am in a such a beautiful place in my life I know that my support is always here. So thank you to everyone who loves me unconditionally and is always here for me. I love you all from the bottom of my Heart.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
In elementary I was extremely self conscious. I was tall, I was always heavier than all of my friends, I had a space in my teeth, and I had white spots on my teeth. I was always jealous of other girls who were skinnier than me, who I thought had better hair than me, who's parents had more money than mine did. In the midst of my insecurities I was guilty of making someone else feel bad about themselves. It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think I was ever like that. I have discussed this a few times with family members, friends, and my husband over this past week. I feel so guilty and it makes me feel even worse I don't remember acting that way. I have not been able to get her out of my mind this week and all I can think about is the fact that I am now raising a daughter. A daughter who is going could possible be bullied or she might be the bully. Realizing that no matter what kids go through these stages. I just want to make sure I can do what ever I can as a parent to hopefully help her become neither the bully or the one being bullied. Yes, in this day and age where appearance is so important at such an early age it feels like an impossible thing to accomplish. But, I am determined to do my best to make this happen.
The reality is everyone has insecurities and that's exactly where these things are rooted from. Either you are a bully because you have insecurity you are projecting onto someone else, or you are insecure and you listen to things people say about you and you believe them. I want to raise my daughter to be strong so no matter what she has the tools to handle these types of situations throughout her life.
Sometimes the universe knows exactly when to bring awareness to us about something exactly at the right time. I have made this commitment to myself to become healthier emotionally, physically, and spiritually and I truly believe that the universe brought this to me right when I needed it. I am now even more determined to make the changes in my life that I need to. This is the only way I will be able to teach Lily to become a compassionate, loving, caring, and healthy woman. The only way I know I will be able to prevent her from these things is if I show her how important it is to love yourself. I need to show her how important it is to take care of herself spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I can't prevent her from the harsh realities of life, but I can create a home that teaches her what are the most important things in life. I have always loved being a mom and the older she gets the more excited I am seeing the beautiful human being she has become and continues to become. I see my mom in her, I see me in her, I see my grandmother, my sisters, and my aunts, and I feel blessed that I have so many strong amazing women in my life. I am the woman I am today because of my mom and I have always felt like I couldn't be as amazing of a mom as she is but, I finally feel like I know how now.
I will teach her to be herself by staying true to who I am
I will teach her to follow her dreams by never giving up on mine
I will teach her to love herself by loving myself
I will teach her to forgive herself by forgiving myself
I will teach her to have compassion for others by showing compassion to her
I will teach her how important the relationships we have in this life are by always making sure she knows that our relationship is one of the most important things in my life
I will teach her how important it is to show up for those you love by supporting her in every way I can
I will teach her to be present in the moment by giving her my undivided attention when ever I can
I know I will continue to make mistakes as a parent but, I also know being able to make mistakes and being able to learn from them will teach her about what it means to be human. We all make mistakes and I feel like the important thing is that we do learn from them and we strive to be better. I want to be the best possible version of myself for me and my family. I have been given an amazing opportunity in this life and I am going to do what ever I can to create beautiful moments with the people that I love every chance I get.
Because that's what all of this is about, the moments in life that we don't realize are "moments."
Sunday, June 15, 2014
While being sober for the past four years I have gained a better understanding of myself and the things I want out of this life. I know that it is going to take a lot of dedication and hard work to get where I want to be. I have spent my whole life just accepting the way I look, and never really challenging myself physically. I am starting this years journey with a 28 day challenge to change my relationship with food, my body, and my spiritually and emotional self.
Three months postpartum and although I can't imagine being more blessed than I am I still have my personal struggles and challenges I am dealing with. I battle crippling anxiety, feelings of self doubt, paranoia about my family and their well being, feelings of wanting to escape when something seems too hard, addiction, and self doubt.
I have many goals that I want to work on over the next year. I want to make these goals reachable, realistic, and most of all I want to make sure the goals I set are geared toward the lifestyle I want to have. I am very blessed and I have so many wonderful things in my life and I am ready to take all the things I have worked so hard for to the next level. Tomorrow I start my challenge and I am going to focus on the fact that this lifestyle change isn't just for 28 days. I want this change to be a true lifestyle change. I hope that you will want to come along on this journey with me. I will be honest, upfront, with all my success and all my failures over upcoming year.
So I welcome you to my blog, and I welcome you to experience this journey with me. I am beyond excited and I am ready.
My family is the most important thing in my life and I want to make changes so that I can become the best possible version of myself for me and for them.
So here I go…..