Sunday, June 22, 2014


One thing I have always taken pride in is my ability to be myself. I have always felt very confident in knowing the kind of person I am and always striving to make sure I improve. But, have you ever had a situation in your life that completely makes you question that reality. I was recently contacted by a former classmate and she did just that, made me question the kind of person I have been throughout my life. She spoke of incidents when we were in elementary and things that I did that have continued to effect her throughout her life. As I sat and read the message from her I first thought she must have me confused with someone else. I thought there is no way I would act that way to another person. I have always taken pride in the fact that I love to include people and I always want to make sure everyone feels included. I have done some serious soul searching and thinking this last week.  There were so many things about this that confused me. The first being the fact that I had always been jealous of her. She was beautiful, smart, and had amazing teeth.  I don't recall the memories she had of me and I started to feel crazy because my view on those times differed so much from hers. When I replied to her I first apologized for anything hurtful I ever did, I opened up to honestly about how I felt about her, and how I felt about myself at that time.

In elementary I was extremely self conscious. I was tall, I was always heavier than all of my friends, I had a space in my teeth, and I had white spots on my teeth. I was always jealous of other girls who were skinnier than me, who I thought had better hair than me, who's parents had more money than mine did. In the midst of my insecurities I was guilty of making someone else feel bad about themselves. It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think I was ever like that. I have discussed this a few times with family members, friends, and my husband over this past week. I feel so guilty and it makes me feel even worse I don't remember acting that way. I have not been able to get her out of my mind this week and all I can think about is the fact that I am now raising a daughter. A daughter who is going could possible be bullied or she might be the bully. Realizing that no matter what kids go through these stages. I just want to make sure I can do what ever I can as a parent to hopefully help her become neither the bully or the one being bullied. Yes, in this day and age where appearance is so important at such an early age it feels like an impossible thing to accomplish. But, I am determined to do my best to make this happen.

The reality is everyone has insecurities and that's exactly where these things are rooted from. Either you are a bully because you have insecurity you are projecting onto someone else, or you are insecure and you listen to things people say about you and you believe them. I want to raise my daughter to be strong so no matter what she has the tools to handle these types of situations throughout her life.

Sometimes the universe knows exactly when to bring awareness to us about something exactly at the right time. I have made this commitment to myself to become healthier emotionally, physically, and spiritually and I truly believe that the universe brought this to me right when I needed it. I am now even more determined to make the changes in my life that I need to. This is the only way I will be able to teach Lily to become a compassionate, loving, caring, and healthy woman. The only way I know I will be able to prevent her from these things is if I show her how important it is to love yourself. I need to show her how important it is to take care of herself spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I can't prevent her from the harsh realities of life, but I can create a home that teaches her what are the most important things in life. I have always loved being a mom and the older she gets the more excited I am seeing the beautiful human being she has become and continues to become. I see my mom in her, I see me in her, I see my grandmother, my sisters, and my aunts, and I feel blessed that I have so many strong amazing women in my life. I am the woman I am today because of my mom and I have always felt like I couldn't be as amazing  of a mom as she is but, I  finally feel like I know how now.

I will teach her to be herself by staying true to who I am 

I will teach her to follow her dreams by never giving up on mine 

I will teach her to love herself by loving myself 

I will teach her to forgive herself by forgiving myself 

I will teach her to have compassion for others by showing compassion to her 

I will teach her how important the relationships we have in this life are by always making sure she knows that our relationship is one of the most important things in my life 

I will teach her how important it is to show up for those you love by supporting her in every way I can 

I will teach her to be present in the moment by giving her my undivided attention when ever I can 

I know I will continue to make mistakes as a parent but, I also know being able to make mistakes and being able to learn from them will teach her about what it means to be human. We all make mistakes and I feel like the important thing is that we do learn from them and we strive to be better. I want to be the best possible version of myself for me and my family. I have been given an amazing opportunity in this life and I am going to do what ever I can to create beautiful moments with the people that I love every chance I get.

Because that's what all of this is about, the moments in life that we don't realize are "moments."

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Ready, Set, GROW !

Feeling extremely anxious, determined, hopeful, excited and most of proud of myself. I am embarking on a journey to change the way I live my life. I am ready to discover what I am truly capable of. I have the tools and the support I need. I have an amazing family and group of close friends who I know will be here for me along the way. The examples I have in my life put me at a great advantage, and I'm ready to open my heart to a new way of life. 

 While being sober for the past four years I have gained a better understanding of myself and the things I want out of this life. I know that it is going to take a lot of dedication and hard work to get where I want to be. I have spent my whole life just accepting the way I look, and never really challenging myself physically. I am starting this years journey with a 28 day challenge to change my relationship with food, my body, and my spiritually and emotional self. 

Three months postpartum and although I can't imagine being more blessed than I am I still have my personal struggles and challenges I am dealing with. I battle crippling anxiety, feelings of self doubt, paranoia about my family and their well being, feelings of wanting to escape when something seems too hard, addiction, and self doubt. 

I have many goals that I want to work on over the next year. I want to make these goals reachable, realistic, and most of all I want to make sure the goals I set are geared toward the lifestyle I want to have. I am very blessed and I have so many wonderful things in my life and I am ready to take all the things I have worked so hard for to the next level. Tomorrow I start my challenge and I am going to focus on the fact that this lifestyle change isn't just for 28 days. I want this change to be a true lifestyle change. I hope that you will want to come along on this journey with me. I will be honest, upfront, with all my success and all my failures over upcoming year. 

So I welcome you to my blog, and I welcome you to experience this journey with me. I am beyond excited and I am ready.  

My family is the most important thing in my life and I want to make changes so that I can become the best possible version of myself for me and for them. 

So here I go…..