Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Starting Over

Have you ever had to start over ? There are so many feelings involved with starting over. Feeling Sad, disappointed, angry, scared, and did I mention ashamed? To work so hard and then let it all go is a hard pill to swallow.  One year later and I'm struggling. I can't seem to do what it takes to make the decisions that help me feel better and be stronger. I keep trying and failing over and over. Why can't I press the reset button, why can't I find the determination I had one year ago? 

I don't know the answers to these questions. I could say life is hectic, school is demanding, kids are amazing but hard sometimes. It doesn't take much to let your self care slowly slip away. Replacing working out for studying, and reaching for a sugar cookie instead of a delicious dub smoothie. 

Okay. Here I am admitting that life is hard. When I start to put others needs before my own I slowly loose the things that are important to me. I am experiencing how hard it is to start over. I can tell you one thing I know for sure starting over is hard and food is my new drug. I want to celebrate with food and cope with stress with sugar. Lots and lots of sugar (damn you Fizz and your mouth watering sugar cookies) 

Well life happened and is happening and I want to feel good again. I want to feel strong and Crave healthy food and movement. The doubts I have had about drinking in the past five years seem irrelevant now because I don't ever want to feel what that would be like to start over. Life is stressful and hectic without throwing anything else into the mix. 

 I never could have imagined It would be so damn hard to start over. I am where I am today because all of the little choices I have made every day. I want and need to be selfish for a minute. I want to feel better again. 

There is my rant, and my commitment to truly think about all the little decisions I make and truly ask myself if it's going to help me be stronger and healthier. I am so excited for the dub convention this weekend up at Snowbird. I can't wait to be surrounded by all the amazing people who supported me and loved me so much. I need them and I can't wait to reconnect with every single one of them. 

I am so blessed and I am so grateful I have the opportunity to change things in my life so I can be the best me. We all have our own battles and struggles.  We all have the strength within ourselves to do what makes us happy and true to who we are and who we want to be. Sometimes we just have to forgive ourselves and realize it's okay. 

Monday, December 8, 2014

Happies and Sads

Tonight when Lily and I started saying our Happies and sads (a nightly tradition my Dad would do with us every night after he read to us ).  She told me she wished me and her Dad got married because then we could all cuddle and lay by each other together. Even though she has never seen me and her Dad together she longs for that. I told her if that was the situation we wouldn't have Brother or Casey. She quickly had a solution to that, "brother and Casey could be my brother too." I explained that the only way brother could exist is if Casey and I were together. She was very confused by this and then said "so if your with a boy you have a boy. What if you marry a girl? Then you just have two girls and both have babies" She laughed and said "I'm going to marry a girl, wait no I still want to marry a boy." Then she said "or a boy could marry a boy like Kevin and Robert." She just smiled and moved onto the next subject. As I laid there I had a sense of relief come over me. I have given a lot of thought to this subject and I have wondered how I can teach my children that you can love anyone and it doesn't matter if you love  a boy or girl. I didn't want it to just be something I told her. I hoped she would come to that conclusion on her own.  At that moment I felt proud to hear her say anyone can love anyone. 

I have been writing a paper for school on emotional intelligence in children. I have researched and spent hours reading statistics and case studies. I have createsd a program to help parents stimulate emotional growth in their children. I am so excited to implement these methods into my life.  One of the methods is to listen, sounds so simple but I am talking about active listening. Putting down your phone, clearing space in your mind, looking at your child and truly listening. I have been feeling extremely sad about the type of parent I am when I'm busy and tired.  Now don't get me wrong I know I have been doing my best and I am a wonderful mother. However, I know I could be doing much better. I have realized I haven't been very present. I have so many things going on every day that pull me in five million different directions. I have a chaotic feeling all the time and I just don't want to live like that anymore. 

It has been almost six months since I promised myself I would start taking care of myself. This journey has been incredible so far and I am so proud of where I am today. I am also promising myself that I am going to stop and listen. I am going to look Lily in the eyes so that she knows I care about what she is saying. I am going to slow down. I don't want  to miss any opportunities to help her grow and learn. I want to stand beside her as she sees things for the first time. I want to be here to answer her questions openly and honestly. 

One of the most amazing things about life is the fact that we can continually learn and grow. We can always do better and be better. And I am going to take advantage of that. Remember.... We can always try a little harder. 

Sometimes we get tired and we might not handle things the way we wish we would have. And sometimes when we are paying close attention we are able to be there in the exact moment our child needs us. That moment when they are trying to figure out one of life's big questions and they look up and you are there. You are present, you are listening. There isn't a greater feeling in the world then knowing that you are the person they can count on. 

Conclusion for tonight's Happies and sads is that I am counting this one as a win. 

Saturday, October 18, 2014

90 Day Results !

When I started this journey I had no idea what was going to happen. I never believed in a million years that I would feel like this. I am so grateful for DUB Nutrition and the amazing community I have joined.  I have lost over 30 pounds and over 25 inches on my body, but the most incredible thing that has happened is I truly love myself. I love taking care of myself, I love going to the gym and working out with amazing people. I love putting healthy food in my body. Thank you DUB Nutrition and all the people that have supported me. My husband has supported me every step of the way and I am so lucky to have him in my corner. I can't wait to see what happens over the next 90 days!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

10188 Days !!!

I have lived for 10188 days, I have been a mom  for 1917 days, sober for 1516, and a wife for 360.

 I wonder how many of those days I spent worried about tomorrow? Or how many days I spent worrying about yesterday? Out of the 10188 days my soul has been on this Earth I am willing to bet that more than half of those days I spent living completely outside myself. Worried about what everyone else was doing, worrying about how everyone else was doing.  As I sit here, holding my baby boy I am making a promise to myself that I am going to try my hardest to live for today and live in the now. I want to learn how to stay in "my business." All I can do is take care of my stuff. Whether that be good stuff or hard stuff, I need to make sure I take care of it. Those numbers don't mean anything if I am not paying attention to toDAY. TODAY is all we have and TODAY is what makes up all those other days. TODAY is when we get healthy, TODAY is when we put ourselves first! All those days mean nothing if we are not living in TODAY. 

I don't want to spend any more of my days worrying about the things that I cannot change. I want to live TODAY making choices that make me happy, empowered, and feel at peace. Ask yourself how have you been spending your days here on Earth. If you could would you relive those days the exact same way you did the first time? If the answer is no, then how about living today the way you would have lived yesterday !

Have a Beautiful Tuesday !!!!! I am going to spend TODAY CELEBRATING being ALIVE, HEALTHY, BLESSED, AND LOVED!!!!!!!!!!

10188 days since I was born
1917 days since Lily was born
1516 sober days
133 days since Garner was born
360 days since I married the love of my life

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Publish….No Turning Back !

One month ago I made a commitment to myself and my family that I was going to make changes in my life to be healthier. After being pregnant and giving birth my body was struggling. Even though I kept telling myself to be patient with myself I was still feeling very unhappy with the way I looked and felt. I was constantly participating in negative self talk and damaging behavior. I was tired and unmotivated to change the behaviors I had grown accustomed to for the past year. Behaviors such as : eating a sugar cookie for breakfast, not eating at all until late afternoon, eating too much, eating processed foods, drinking soda, not moving my body, not drinking enough water, constant negative self talk and damaging thoughts. There were many reasons I knew I needed a lifestyle adjustment but the biggest reason was that I was unhappy with the way I felt about myself. Not just because I have fat on my stomach, not only because I have stretch marks and cellulite but because I couldn't physically do things that I wanted to. Even simple things like getting Garn in and out of the car seemed daunting at times. Ya I'm not even referring to things like running marathons I am talking about running one mile.

I began a very painful and downward spiral in my head and the more I fed the fuel the more personally destructive I became. I am truly blessed because the people I surround myself are always working on their health and wellness. I was inspired by my sister Kristi who had started a 28 day challenge that was completely changing not only her body but her emotional relationship with food. I saw the change in her and I wanted that for myself. I enrolled in the next challenge and the changes I see in my body and feel are mind blowing. I Am feeling so much better and stronger everyday. I no longer crave sugar like I used to (still do but not nearly as bad) and I actually have energy to play with my kids, clean the house, workout and cook dinner, all in the SAME day!

I have decided to love my body today for all the amazing things it has done for me over the passed 27 years. I am committed to treating it with kindness and love. I love my new relationship with myself and I am so excited for the amazing things my body is going to do for me next !

Wednesday, July 9, 2014


My whole world lies here beside me and Even though this is such a beautiful moment I lay in fear. I fear losing one of them, I fear them losing me. Fear cripples me and makes it impossible for me to be present in the moment. I feel paralyzed with the racing thoughts  about what could happen to the people I love. I constantly hurt for the people who have lossed loved ones. I obsess about what could happen and I constantly imagine the most horrific things happening to my family . Now, I am fully aware of what is happening but I still can't stop the thoughts from entering my brain and taking over my rational self. 

The only thing I can do is.....feel it, take a deep breath, and let it go with my exhale. I have to let it go so I am able to be a great mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, advocate, and granddaughter. I have to let it go to teach my children that living in fear isn't living. How do I do this when I am constantly letting fear control my thoughts. I struggled really  bad with depression after Lily was born and I really didn't think it would happen again. 

Depression is a tricky thing though. I believe there is a misconception and stigma  about what "depression" looks like. People fail to realize my depression may not look anything like anyone else's. My depression may come in many different forms. I am blessed because I have been through many things and I have come to a place in my life where I feel comfortable talking about this very openly and honestly. People also don't understand that someone can be happy and also be depressed at the same time. I don't care about the wording or what people say I am going through. I care about being open, honest, and reaching out to those in my life that I know will help me get through it. 

I know it's not technically normal how much I worry about Garner when he is napping or sleeping. I am just trying my very best to get through this fear and anxiety in a healthy way. I have been exercising daily and eating very healthy. It's been three weeks and I already feel so much better. I love preparing food that I know is making me and my family stronger and healthier.  So, even though I have my struggles I go to bed (well try to) and wake up every morning and I do count my blessings. I am one of the most blessed humans on this planet. I wake up and I say thanks to my husband for providing me with a beautiful home and working so hard for our family and for being my best friend and true companion. I say thanks for my children and the love they give me each and every day. I send love to those in my life that may be going through a hard time. I wake up and I awknowledge the blessings in my life and although sometimes I am paralyzed with fear I spend most of my days thinking about how amazing my life truly is. 

Not sure where I was going with any of this, but I can't sleep and I had the urge to open up and share a little about this inner struggle I am dealing with right now. Reaching out and allowing others to support me has been my lifeline for four years and even though I am in a such a beautiful place in my life I know that my support is always here. So thank you to everyone who loves me unconditionally and is always here for me. I love you all from the bottom of my Heart. 

Sunday, June 22, 2014


One thing I have always taken pride in is my ability to be myself. I have always felt very confident in knowing the kind of person I am and always striving to make sure I improve. But, have you ever had a situation in your life that completely makes you question that reality. I was recently contacted by a former classmate and she did just that, made me question the kind of person I have been throughout my life. She spoke of incidents when we were in elementary and things that I did that have continued to effect her throughout her life. As I sat and read the message from her I first thought she must have me confused with someone else. I thought there is no way I would act that way to another person. I have always taken pride in the fact that I love to include people and I always want to make sure everyone feels included. I have done some serious soul searching and thinking this last week.  There were so many things about this that confused me. The first being the fact that I had always been jealous of her. She was beautiful, smart, and had amazing teeth.  I don't recall the memories she had of me and I started to feel crazy because my view on those times differed so much from hers. When I replied to her I first apologized for anything hurtful I ever did, I opened up to honestly about how I felt about her, and how I felt about myself at that time.

In elementary I was extremely self conscious. I was tall, I was always heavier than all of my friends, I had a space in my teeth, and I had white spots on my teeth. I was always jealous of other girls who were skinnier than me, who I thought had better hair than me, who's parents had more money than mine did. In the midst of my insecurities I was guilty of making someone else feel bad about themselves. It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think I was ever like that. I have discussed this a few times with family members, friends, and my husband over this past week. I feel so guilty and it makes me feel even worse I don't remember acting that way. I have not been able to get her out of my mind this week and all I can think about is the fact that I am now raising a daughter. A daughter who is going could possible be bullied or she might be the bully. Realizing that no matter what kids go through these stages. I just want to make sure I can do what ever I can as a parent to hopefully help her become neither the bully or the one being bullied. Yes, in this day and age where appearance is so important at such an early age it feels like an impossible thing to accomplish. But, I am determined to do my best to make this happen.

The reality is everyone has insecurities and that's exactly where these things are rooted from. Either you are a bully because you have insecurity you are projecting onto someone else, or you are insecure and you listen to things people say about you and you believe them. I want to raise my daughter to be strong so no matter what she has the tools to handle these types of situations throughout her life.

Sometimes the universe knows exactly when to bring awareness to us about something exactly at the right time. I have made this commitment to myself to become healthier emotionally, physically, and spiritually and I truly believe that the universe brought this to me right when I needed it. I am now even more determined to make the changes in my life that I need to. This is the only way I will be able to teach Lily to become a compassionate, loving, caring, and healthy woman. The only way I know I will be able to prevent her from these things is if I show her how important it is to love yourself. I need to show her how important it is to take care of herself spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I can't prevent her from the harsh realities of life, but I can create a home that teaches her what are the most important things in life. I have always loved being a mom and the older she gets the more excited I am seeing the beautiful human being she has become and continues to become. I see my mom in her, I see me in her, I see my grandmother, my sisters, and my aunts, and I feel blessed that I have so many strong amazing women in my life. I am the woman I am today because of my mom and I have always felt like I couldn't be as amazing  of a mom as she is but, I  finally feel like I know how now.

I will teach her to be herself by staying true to who I am 

I will teach her to follow her dreams by never giving up on mine 

I will teach her to love herself by loving myself 

I will teach her to forgive herself by forgiving myself 

I will teach her to have compassion for others by showing compassion to her 

I will teach her how important the relationships we have in this life are by always making sure she knows that our relationship is one of the most important things in my life 

I will teach her how important it is to show up for those you love by supporting her in every way I can 

I will teach her to be present in the moment by giving her my undivided attention when ever I can 

I know I will continue to make mistakes as a parent but, I also know being able to make mistakes and being able to learn from them will teach her about what it means to be human. We all make mistakes and I feel like the important thing is that we do learn from them and we strive to be better. I want to be the best possible version of myself for me and my family. I have been given an amazing opportunity in this life and I am going to do what ever I can to create beautiful moments with the people that I love every chance I get.

Because that's what all of this is about, the moments in life that we don't realize are "moments."